Ramblings of a deranged mind

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Posted 31 Aug 2005 in Livejournal Import, Uncategorized

So….I wrote today. It’s been a while since I wrote and I don’t want anyone to worry about what they see…I just kinda let my thoughts flow.  So…I’m going to share it, but no one panic or read anything into it (unless you really want to I guess).  It felt really good to just, let go…kind of a diarrea of the fingers. Right, now that I left you with that image… :-) I just…wanted to share, but don’t want to worry anyone

_______________________My Musings_____________________________

I look in the mirror and I don’t recognize the person reflected there anymore.  I look in the mirror and I see someone who I don’t know anymore.  I see the reflection of someone who continues to fight, yet inside I feel the dying embers of a soul burdened with too much to carry on.

Who am I?  What am I?  Why am I?  Should I?  If I?  Must I?  And yet I…

I am as I have been made.  I am as I have been formed, and shaped, and battered, and bruised.  I am what I am and that’s all that I can be, I cannot be what you try to make me.  The shoes don’t fit, the clothes are too tight, and I can’t simply stand here and lose this fight.

Am I too young to feel this way?  Too old to carry this weight?  Too far gone to ever come back?  Am I just alone with no way out?  Am I with too many people all crawling and grasping and screaming and trying to hang on to the me I was and can never more be?  Should I just try and see if any will notice that the me I am is not the me I was and the me I was can never be the me I am if I am to be the me I will be?

No one puts the pressure on like the reflection in the mirror.  The man in the mirror tells me I’m no good and I must conform and change and lose myself in the ways of road I’ve been trying to conform to.  But that’s not me and can never be for I am the one who I have been and can never be the me that I am being told to be.  I can’t change the ways that my eyes look upon the world and the way I see that I’m too lonely but it’s meant to be.

The world keeps spinning and I keep flipping off the ones who tell me that I can’t be me but I must be me, for to not be me is to be someone who I can’t be.  Will someone just tell me that I can be me so that I can’t be the one who is not me?

I ramble on and on and I feel the words to the same old song and my mind keeps running and my world keeps spinning and I still feel the words like they used to be.  I scream out loud, yet no one hears.  I cry my tears and the world sees fear.  I shout my convictions from the nearest rooftop and I’m told that the roof is going to collapse.  I tell my desires to the one who cares and am told that no one can even care.

A purpose in life is never clear, and my purpose in life never seemed less clear.  I fight and I struggle for each day’s bread and yet the world seems headed to the end.  I can’t keep straight what I keep inside, yet struggles so hard to be freed from me.  I seek revenge on myself, it’s true, yet can’t seem to find the proper tool.

Conviction is lacking, and motive is gone.  The dying embers are a faded song.  The directions that once rang clear in my eyes now fade to the background like the old and wise.  I seek new beginnings while trapped in the old.  The former life seeks to strengthen its stranglehold.  A new me can never be while the old me haunts with familiarity.

Dare I?  Can I?  Must I?  Would I? Should I?  I…

I seek the bold that made me feel young, and I seek the ways that made me fun.  I seek the fire that once speared my soul and kept me walking the path of the bold.  I seek out danger and life without fear.  I seek out things I never can have.  Will I ever learn to survive?

Life keeps going, and the world keeps turning.  Even if it means I’m left behind.

So…..that’s about it.


1 Comments

  1. I love you baby.

    And I care. There’s someone left to care, baby.

    I love you.

    Reply


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